Alternative Boaty sayings

Alternative Boaty Sayings

Anderton Lift                    Menacing edifice that plonks you in a river from the safety of the canal

Aft                                  Preceded by ‘D’ for getting involved with boats at all

Aldi                                 Gas appliance where you can buy cut-price tinned goods

Anode                              Poetic stray electric current catcher

Ballast                             Inaccessible finger trappers

Bilge pump                       Means of discharging diatribe spoken by 'knowledgeable' boaters

Bulkhead                          A know-all who offers endless advice

Boat hook                         Clever device that attaches fishing line to a propeller

Boatman’s cabin                Replaces garden shed as sanctuary after a blazing row

Brass                               Lots of what’s wanted

Boat Safety Certificate       Actually refers to a boat’s seaworthiness not the idiot driving it

Bow thruster                    Only operated in isolation due to filthy racket. Also used to draw attention to a manoeuvring cock-up

Calorifier                         An insulated tank that heats and stores hot water and generally leaks

Cratch                             Front porch that houses Wellington boots and dogs

Cratch cover                     Conservatory roof – usually ill-fitting and ripped

Cruiser                            One who solicits companionship from an open rear deck.

Deck                               Prevents you from having to stand on the engine when driving

Engine                             Metal thing covered in oil that makes a fearful racket

Fender                            Trendy thing that hangs over the side protecting 1000th of the paintwork 

Falkirk Wheel                   Huge wheel that lifts 15-tonne boats onto the M8

Fore                               Shouted when swinging a golf club at a defecating dog

Gas locker                       Comfy hideaway where you can sit and chat

Gear box                         Necessity when playing cricket on the towpath

Heads                              What are injured when using a cramped lavatory

Hep2o                              Plastic plumbing pipe with a life of its own

Hatch                              Double steel door shrewdly designed to trap personal appendages

Inverter                           Coverts 12v DC power to 240v AC at great expense

Junction box                     Facilitates the insertion of an additional electric shock unit

Jetty                               Paint Stripper

Keel                                What you do when receiving a repair invoice

Leak                               Popular boating vegatable from Staffordshire

Lock                                Dangerous but innovative stone-lined fish trapper

License                            Permit that allows you to legally drive into other boats

MDF                                Murderous dust factory

Mooring line                     Rope that boaters get into an astonishing variety of tangle

Mushroom                        Roof-top vent that lets warm air out and unpleasant odours in

Mansfield                         Vehicle through which liquids and solids pass down into the waste holding tank (with a bit of luck)

Narrowboat                      Long, thin, rusty, noisy, metal bank-account-emptying device

Overboard                        Where a 3 cylinder engine enthusiast goes

Paddle                             Result of a prolonged visit to a canal-side hostelry

P******                             Would you mind slowing down a bit please

Pump out                         The means of emptying the waste holding tank (if outlet fitted)

Port-hole                          Through which one drinks fortified wine

Propeller                          Efficient, high-speed plastic bag catcher

Quality                             Often over-rated build standard

Rubbing strake                   Steel rod on which you can rest your trendy fenders

Stern gland                       What’s wrapped around the prop shaft and tender after a curry

Sill                                   Badly spelt stone shelf on which to rest your rudder when emptying the boat from the front

Sail-away                          State in which a boat remains for about three years

Solar panel                        Trendy slab useful when boating in the Sahara Desert

Tug                                  See Karma Sutra

Tongue and groove              Intimate boaters dance

Tumblehome                      Result of a knees-up. Sometimes followed by a paddle.

Undercoat                         What becomes visible after steering through a bush

Unassailable                       Italian’s assessment of a narrowboat’s handling characteristics

Veneer                              What one loses within a month of embarkation

Water pump                       Rattling appendage that pushes water to every leaky bit

Windlass                            Bean-eating female paddle-opener

Well-deck                          Where to sit if you’re feeling a bit sea-sick

Weir                                 Magnetic boat attractor

Wind generator                  Cumbersome object that supplies one millionth of a boats power requirement

X-ray                                Often required after tackling a flight of locks

Yaw                                  Hire-boat avoidance measure

Zit                                    Name of mooring. It’s a lovely spot we’ve picked

Zoom                                 If you’re doing it you’ve got something wrong

© Jo May 2017