Alternative Boaty sayings

Alternative Boaty Sayings

Anderton Lift Menacing edifice that plonks you in a river from the safety of the canal

Aft Preceded by ‘D’ for getting involved with boats at all

Aldi Gas appliance where you can buy cut-price tinned goods

Anode Poetic stray electric current catcher

Ballast Inaccessible finger trappers

Bilge pump Means of discharging diatribe spoken by 'knowledgeable' boaters

Bulkhead A know-all who offers endless advice

Boat hook Clever device that attaches fishing line to a propeller

Boatman’s cabin Replaces garden shed as sanctuary after a blazing row

Brass Lots of what’s wanted

Boat Safety Certificate Actually refers to a boat’s seaworthiness not the idiot driving it

Bow thruster Only operated in isolation due to filthy racket. Also used to draw attention to a manoeuvring cock-up

Calorifier An insulated tank that heats and stores hot water and generally leaks

Cratch Front porch that houses Wellington boots and dogs

Cratch cover Conservatory roof – usually ill-fitting and ripped

Cruiser One who solicits companionship from an open rear deck.

Deck Prevents you from having to stand on the engine when driving

Engine Metal thing covered in oil that makes a fearful racket

Fender Trendy thing that hangs over the side protecting 1000th of the paintwork

Falkirk Wheel Huge wheel that lifts 15-tonne boats onto the M8

Fore Shouted when swinging a golf club at a defecating dog

Gas locker Comfy hideaway where you can sit and chat

Gear box Necessity when playing cricket on the towpath

Heads What are injured when using a cramped lavatory

Hep2o Plastic plumbing pipe with a life of its own

Hatch Double steel door shrewdly designed to trap personal appendages

Inverter Coverts 12v DC power to 240v AC at great expense

Junction box Facilitates the insertion of an additional electric shock unit

Jetty Paint Stripper

Keel What you do when receiving a repair invoice

Leak Popular boating vegatable from Staffordshire

Lock Dangerous but innovative stone-lined fish trapper

License Permit that allows you to legally drive into other boats

MDF Murderous dust factory

Mooring line Rope that boaters get into an astonishing variety of tangle

Mushroom Roof-top vent that lets warm air out and unpleasant odours in

Mansfield Vehicle through which liquids and solids pass down into the waste holding tank (with a bit of luck)

Narrowboat Long, thin, rusty, noisy, metal bank-account-emptying device

Overboard Where a 3 cylinder engine enthusiast goes

Paddle Result of a prolonged visit to a canal-side hostelry

P****** Would you mind slowing down a bit please

Pump out The means of emptying the waste holding tank (if outlet fitted)

Port-hole Through which one drinks fortified wine

Propeller Efficient, high-speed plastic bag catcher

Quality Often over-rated build standard

Rubbing strake Steel rod on which you can rest your trendy fenders

Stern gland What’s wrapped around the prop shaft and tender after a curry

Sill Badly spelt stone shelf on which to rest your rudder when emptying the boat from the front

Sail-away State in which a boat remains for about three years

Solar panel Trendy slab useful when boating in the Sahara Desert

Tug See Karma Sutra

Tongue and groove Intimate boaters dance

Tumblehome Result of a knees-up. Sometimes followed by a paddle.

Undercoat What becomes visible after steering through a bush

Unassailable Italian’s assessment of a narrowboat’s handling characteristics

Veneer What one loses within a month of embarkation

Water pump Rattling appendage that pushes water to every leaky bit

Windlass Bean-eating female paddle-opener

Well-deck Where to sit if you’re feeling a bit sea-sick

Weir Magnetic boat attractor

Wind generator Cumbersome object that supplies one millionth of a boats power requirement

X-ray Often required after tackling a flight of locks

Yaw Hire-boat avoidance measure

Zit Name of mooring. It’s a lovely spot we’ve picked

Zoom If you’re doing it you’ve got something wrong


© Jo May 2017